It's a bitter sweet symphony

Sometimes, our hope and dreams aren't the ones God has planned for us. I've been praying for a sign for whether or not our family is supposed to grow from 4 to more. After a trip to my awesome doctor, I found the answer(s) I've been praying for.

I had a smear (oh they are so joyful aren't they!) and the results have come back as abnormal. I've been reassured that this does not necessarily mean anything bad, but merely a case of being more aware of "things" down there! But......that's not all. I asked about the pains that I thought were related to PCOS, but in actual fact, the pains are the result of a terrible 2nd birth which has left my uterus so incredibly scarred that even if I fell pregnant, it would most probably (always) end in a miscarriage as the embryo could not attach itself.

On the bright side, I no longer have to wonder whether it will happen or not. I prayed for an answer, and I got one. Didn't mean that it was going to be good. So really, I'm left with a bitter sweet symphony. I thank the Good Lord that I experienced pregnancy and birth. Now, I just need to rely on Him to get me through the experience of toddler hood and teenagerdom! :)

Miracles do happen. Sometimes you just miss them :)

I have the most beautiful daughter. And I have the most amazing son. And up until yesterday I didn't realize that they are miracles.

I've only discovered in the last year that I had PCOS. And I know a few people around me who have it but see that it affects everyone in their own way. Imagine my heart crushing when for weeks I was suffering from nausea,   tiredness, aches and pains in my abdomen, missed periods........surely I must be pregnant?? Unfortunately not. I had PCOS which the doctor kindly informed me meant for the time being I was infertile. I'm still learning about this thing. I know that for some reason, losing crap loads of weight can make you extremely fertile. Opposite extreme! And that is how my two precious gems happened. I lost about 20kg when I began working on the farm not long after we were married. Then, viola! I started eating baked beans constantly (i hated baked beans). I just couldn't get enough of them!!! And then it dawned on my husband......OMG! YOU"RE PREGNANT! And then when my daughter was 8mths old.....BANG! I snagged another one :) and then PCOS kicked in (presumably again, as I've probably battled this since teen years). The weight piled on and I was helpless to stop it despite my best efforts. So this is what brings me here.

The weight is starting to creep back, even with the good news that I'd lost some. I'm off to the doctor tomorrow to bawl my eyes to her and ask what can be  done! My mood swings are driving my hubby up the wall!! And i wonder why he doesn't want more kids! Hahaha!

Well, I'll keep you posted (literally :)

There's something in the water - but I'm just not catching it.

I'm constantly plagued by the ache of empty arms. I walk down the street and it seems that every woman is either carrying a capsule with a newborn, or about to have a newborn or is buying newborn clothes for someone who has just had a newborn! I try to act inconspicuous, glancing out the corner of my eye to gawk at whoever's precious little bundle it is, and again and again, I just want to throw a tantrum and say "it's not fair!" Especially when you see young girls barely out of school pregnant who probably don't know who the father is. I know, I'm being completely selfish. And what I thought would make things better, has actually made things worse. My husband would be mortified to know what I was writing right now. I have rid my house pretty much of every baby item I owned in the hope that the phase would pass. Don't get me wrong, my two children are my life, but I just want to hold a baby one more time. The saying "there must be something in the water" is what is going around here in my little town. But I'm just not catching the "pregnancy" bug that's in it. Should I take it as a sign that God is saying no? How do I get past the husband who doesn't really want more? Here I am writing this in tears. Frustrated at the lemon life has served to me right now. Right down to I don't even have cool photos to up load to my blog cos I can't figure it out! GRRRRR!!! Is it selfish to want another baby? Is it because of this selfishness that if I did, I would love it more?? OMG! Why is being a woman hard!!?

The tip of the iceburg - which I just knocked off!

I did it. And you can too! My first week since starting this blog journey and I've lost 1kg. The one thing that I'm never going to look for again!! I'm a little late with the weigh in but that is ok. Admittedly, this week has been tough, battling with Aunt Flo's cravings and constant hunger. But the end result is positive :)

Sunshine and Laughter - A medicine to the wintered heart

My goodness! What a gorgeous day :) Today was my first day on my little earner job - babysitting 2kids every friday. Needless to say, I'm exhausted! But my heart is so full right now with what today brought :) After dropping my girl to her kindy and spending the morning at the library with my wee lad and the little girl I'm watching, I loaded them up into the buggy, with the backpack stuffed underneath and trekked to the bottom of our town (about 1/2 hr walk) to collect the brother of the little girl I'm watching (haha, sounds like the story of the House that Jack built). After collecting lad #2, I re-loaded the buggy and then put lad #1 into the backpack. Then walked home. I failed to mention that on the walk down.....it was all down hill.....so on the way home....it was ALL up hill! Fair call to say I burnt my quota of calories! It was lovely to here the chit chat of the youngn's, lad #2 pretended to drive a bus all the way home, lass #2 fell asleep, while lad #1 waved and shouted at every truck that drove past. To have the sun shining down upon us, sweat dripping down my forehead, and the laughter of the kiddies, who could have been sad. Really. My heart truely feels like a spring blossom, opening up after the coldness of winter. :)

Just Keep Swimming!

Today was definitely a downer. Aunt Flo has come to visit for the week. It's at this point of the month where the ravenous munchies come to attack! Along with emotional cravings, and grumping at my husband when he politely says "should you be eating that??". Can I blame the rain for not going for a walk today?? On the upside, I did completely makeover our spare room. Well actually, it's our on studio really. It is complete with a drum kit, numerous guitars and amps, an electric piano........... The best thing is, apart from my new found online journal, I now have an outlet that is non-food related. It may not physically burn fat, but it will physically keep me from going to the pantry :) So that is my contribution for today. If you find yourself constantly snacking because of boredom or nothing to do, find something to do (that's not food related) that you enjoy doing and you WILL find that you can lose weight by this one task. :D bonus!

Don't give up because you think it is hard! Just keep swimming! Focus on your goal and swim for your life! I have a looooong way to go and it does depress me when I think on how much I have to lose. Instead, focus on how much you've lost. 100grams you say isn't much?? That's 100grams off your total. Embrace it! And keep going. YOU CAN DO IT!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Phillipians 4:13

Meet the Sharks - Fish are Friends, not food!!!

You may have noticed my "Nemo" theme. If you haven't seen the movie, you really should. But any who, this is how I relate my life to at the moment. At the moment I'm the fish looking for his lost son, only I'm looking for my lost self! Today I met the Sharks. The name.....McDonalds. Ok, so it wasn't fish and chips, but still, high in calories! Ok, ok, I can't use "I was shopping and the kids drove me to insanity...." or rather McD's. The fact is I ate it. And it was good. Why was it sooo good? It was the first time since I don't know when I chose McD's over Subway.


My moral today, all be it this post is rather boring and short (people coming to visit :) is, you can learn from mistakes. Tomorrow is a new day.